Now What?

Time seems to fly except for when I’m waiting for something significant. Anybody else? My husband and I wanted to start a family three years after marriage and instead we got a “not now”. Or so I thought. One of us went through the grief cycle to the final stage of acceptance more quickly, and it wasn’t me. It was the typical denial for me at first, with a spiritual twist. I wholeheartedly believed God was building my faith so I prayed like I had never before. I begged and believed Him for a miracle. When a whole year passed, I became more desperate and began to bargain. I promised all kinds of things to prove my sincerity. When I thought I wasn’t being listened to or taken seriously I got angry. Livid is probably more like it. Furious at this supposedly good God who didn’t seem to care about the desire of my heart - becoming a mother. The “not now” turning into a “no” was the reality I couldn’t accept so my upward and outward gaze stopped. What other directions are left but downward and inward? That’s exactly what happened. I started to hate Mother’s Day. Stopped going to all baby showers. I couldn’t be happy for anyone else because I was too focused on myself and what I didn’t have. So I isolated, and naturally, depression resulted. Six months of pure misery. Some of the darkest months of my life. I felt powerless to move towards acceptance.

Two and a half years later, I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually spent. I knew I either had to go completely through the grief cycle and accept, or continue living in a pit of despair. I was desperate for some relief and finally felt ready to try something different. My invitation to freedom came Christmas service of 2005. With my heart throbbing from emotional pain, inconsolable weeping began as I made my way to the church altar and surrendered my dream to be a mom. I made the decision to exchange my sorrow for some peace. I was done with denial, bargaining, anger, and depression. I told Jesus I’d trust Him even though I didn’t understand. I made sure to tell Him I didn’t like His plan one bit, but I could finally say, “Yet not my will but Yours be done.”

I left church earlier than usual that day. I was ugly sobbing and didn’t want to face anyone. With blurred vision from all the tears, I drove to a park overlooking the Columbia River. I sat in my car and stared at the beautiful, powerful body of water in front of me. The Columbia River was calm that day and as I sat there in silence, I still remember the feeling of calm that came over me. Unexplainable peace came down and invaded my soul. For the first time in a long while, I could genuinely say, “It is well with my soul.”

Yesterday was Good Friday, the remembrance of the most impactful death in history. So significant was the historical figure named Jesus Christ that it marked our calendar system into B.C. and A.D. His followers were filled with sorrow that Good Friday thousands of years ago. Their Hope died. They really thought He was the One - the Messiah - but He was gone. So their hope left as well.

Good Friday is when:

We have a loss so huge we’ll never be the same again.

Dreams are shattered.

Hope is dashed.

Time probably felt like it stood still the next day, Holy Saturday, as Jesus’ followers grappled with what happened. Filled with all kinds of questions, they waited for God to make sense of things.

Holy Saturday is when we:

Wish what just happened wasn’t real.

Wait in confusion.

Wonder if we can really live again.

Holy Saturday’s main question is “Now what?”. We’re tempted to give up here, to say goodbye to hope. Today I’m asking all of us not to. If you’re in a “Now what?” season, Holy Saturday is not the end of the story.

In Christ alone, Resurrection Sunday will surely come and it’s when He:

Rebuilds the ruins.

Makes beauty from ashes.

Writes a new song in our hearts.

Turns our mourning into dancing.

Redeems our pain.

Restores our joy.

All because He is and will always be the Messiah.

If today is not just literally but also figuratively Holy Saturday for you…

Wait a little longer.

Hope a little more.

It may take years, even decades, but Resurrection Sunday is coming next.