Hidden Hurts
An adult looked me squarely in the eyes and replied, “No, I didn’t.“ Hours later, guilt became too heavy to bear and he confessed he lied. Relief came over me that he owned his mistake and tried to repair the damage. I was surprisingly calm.
Then a couple of days later, doubt hit me hard and nagging thoughts persisted:
Will he lie again?
Can I fully trust him?
While in the car at a grocery store’s parking lot recently, I asked my kids, “Are you ready?!" A hearty “yes!“ in unison came from behind me. I drove only a second before there was commotion in the back. Distracted by all of the noise and panicking that was happening, I pressed on my brakes while simultaneously looking back.
Soon one of the kids was screaming, “MOM, A CAR IS ABOUT TO HIT US!”
I had no idea until then that I had not engaged my brakes completely and our car was still rolling forward. As both drivers came into each other's view, we slammed on our brakes before the SUV could T-bone us. I mouthed, “I’m so sorry” to the other driver coming at me, waved my hand sheepishly while putting my car back in reverse into a parking spot. Utter chaos filled the car and this time I wasn’t so calm.
I looked at the guilty one and yelled, “DO NOT LIE TO ME AND TELL ME YOU’RE READY WHEN YOU ARE NOT!!”
“I thought I…” she began but I would have none of it.
My amygdala had been hijacked and the next couple minutes was a lecture. She looked at me directly at first and listened politely. As the monologue went on, I began to lose her gaze and her head hung low. I took a deep breath and attempted a dialogue, “I am so sorry for yelling. Yelling is my sin and I own it. [Silence. Another deep breath]. Please hear the heart of what I'm saying and tell me what you heard.”
“You’re not mad at me because I spilled something and made a mess. You’re upset because I lied and my lying led to us almost getting into an accident. I’m really sorry, mom.”
We repaired the rupture the next few minutes and prayed together. We were both broken over our sin and asked for forgiveness from God and one another.
It took a few more days for me to connect the dots. The man who lied to me had broken trust. Though he later admitted his mistake, something in me wondered if he’d do it again. As you all know, a relationship can’t stand without trust. It takes a long time to build trust and depending on the offense it can take one mistake to completely lose it. Rebuilding a relationship after some type of betrayal may take a while and unfortunately some don't get rebuilt at all.
I reflected on my explosive reaction to my daughter's mistake and realized I was guilty of projecting. While her reflection that day was true, there was a deeper issue underneath.
Fear.
Fear that my daughter would grow up with no one trusting her because she lacks integrity. Long before my mind could put it all together, my body remembered what it was like to be betrayed and I reacted in fear. I took that man lying to me and projected my fear on to my daughter. My pain caused me to react which in turn caused my child pain. I see it all the time in obvious and subtle ways: Hurting people really do hurt people.
I invite you to join me in digging up and addressing those hidden hurts so we don't perpetuate the unseen gap of reactively hurting. We have a God ready to tenderly go there with us so we can walk in love and freedom. May you run and draw near to Him and discover that He will outrun and draw closer to you.
"Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about; See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life." ~ Psalm 139:23
