Selfhood
Wanting to be responsible, dependable, and easy to work with, Anne agrees to the request. As the reality of what she took on settled in, she has a sinking feeling. Something would have to give. “Why did I do that?!” she wonders. She quickly dismisses it. "I'm a team player," she justifies. "This is only a season."
After finishing the project, she is applauded for her excellent work as usual and it feels good. So that season turns to two, then a year, and before she knows it, a decade goes by. Exhausted but fulfilled, she convinces herself it's worth the price. By now everyone knows her as sacrificial and a hard worker. She enjoys having that honorable reputation.
After another year goes by, she slowly notices people's approval and applause don't mean as much. Joy seems to be sucked out of her. She is burnt out and doesn't know it because she's out of touch with herself.
Anne is a fictional character, yet her journey is common. You may find yourself or someone you know resonating with parts or all of her story. It’s a classic example of someone rejecting selfishness, embracing selflessness, and living in a weak selfhood.
No doubt you're familiar with selfishness and selflessness, but have you heard of selfhood? I’m indebted to Dr. Alison Cook for the simplicity of her explanation:
Selfishness: It’s all about me.
Selflessness: It’s all about you.
Selfhood: It’s about you and me.
I haven’t met anyone yet irregardless of their cultural or religious background that has admitted selfishness is a healthy way to live and lead. People I know strive to be selfless and fight against being selfish.
I recently attended a workshop where the speaker defined selfishness as, “I want what I want when I want it, and when I want it, it better be there!”
We don't have to live long to see the destruction selfishness brings. Unfortunately, people sometimes live four decades before recognizing the deceptive dangers of selflessness. As you can see in Anne’s story, what appears like selflessness was filled with selfish thoughts and motives:
"I want them to think well of me.”
"I want to be known as a team player and that they can count on me.”
"I’m so glad others see I'm sacrificial.”
"It feels great to be recognized and applauded so I'll keep this up.”
If your selflessness is a healthy expression of your selfhood, you've done some worthwhile heart work. If your selflessness is the result of a weak selfhood or a more acceptable form of selfishness, take courage. You’re definitely not alone.
Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
I coach leaders who are serving God with all their might. They believe it's worth it...until we start digging. What we sometimes find is they're loving and serving people while dishonoring themselves. Not wanting to be demanding, they swing over to the other side and dismiss themselves instead. A weak selfhood is unearthed and they feel lost and shaken.
When the rebuilding work begins, it's grueling. Some get impatient and want a shortcut. The bad news is there are no shortcuts. The good news is those who do the difficult internal work never regret it on the other side. I never tire seeing their authentic self emerge. Metamorphosis is truly a beautiful and awe-inspiring process to watch.
Let’s strengthen our selfhood. If you're already doing the work, let’s not grow weary in rebuilding the ruins. God is for us and has a harvest of authentic strength and beauty if we do not give up.
